Remembering the Moon
by FallenRayne
Summary: Set in book 2 during the untold time after Edward leaves. This story is pro Edward/Bella, but the focus is on Bella. Edward will not appear but other characters might... okay, I know but I'm not telling . Bella tries to cope.
1. Prologue

**This chapter has been updated. I reread New Moon and realized my timeline was off. I've updated to correct that.**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Wish I did, but alas I don't.

_This is just a little ditty that jumped in my head about something that could have happened in book two after Edward left. While the fic is Bella/Edward, it isn't a happy – yay, we're back together kind of fic. My intention exists that the beautiful New Moon book could continue just as was after reading this story. It's mostly designed to fall into the month pages of the book where we don't get a real idea of what's been going on. Except, of course, that Bella's been miserable. This is my take, and a little more, about Charlie's comments to Alice that they'd thought of sending Bella to Jacksonville but that she'd thrown a temper-tantrum. And, then, what happens after is all me as well. Please review. All comments are welcome. I'm a writer and I'm used to both negative and positive. Please don't hold any punches._

Now, on with the story…

It's been a week now since my world came apart at the seams. While it seemed like almost yesterday, a full six days had passed since I lay on the floor of the forest, wishing the ground would simply open up and take me into its warm embrace. I had never wanted so badly to become one with something. Well, I suppose that's not entirely true. I had wanted to be one with _him_. And I was -for all to brief a period of time. That's why, now, laying here cocooned in my pale yellow comforter, I know nothing will be alright again. I feel hollow, empty, joyless in his absence. How can joy possibly continue to exist in a world devoid of meaning? I'm still surprised that my heart has found the will to continue beating. It has no reason to anymore.

_Like I never existed_.

His words filter back into my mind as I pull the comforter tighter to me still. He had taken everything when he left. Every little token, every memento I had to hold. But he hadn't taken my thoughts. Honestly, if it weren't for the looks, the concern, the random mentioning of _his_ name by Charlie while he spoke to my mother on the phone, I would have thought I'd made everything up. Some deep seeded fantasy created by my mind.

I wasn't all too surprised when my mom came into Forks. I knew Charlie had been worrying. Honestly, I knew that he had reason to worry. Other than my zombie like movement around the small house when I needed to use the restroom or shower, I hadn't left my bed since that day. I had stopped going to school, stopped eating – except when Charlie forced me to – I'd stopped caring. I couldn't help it. If I allowed myself to care, I'd have to let my heart feel again. I knew that feeling would be my unraveling. At least here, in my room, I could shut out the world; draw my pale yellow curtains tightly against the prevailing daylight day after day. Wrap myself tightly in my protective cocoon and shut out the world.

Even here though, locked away from the world outside, his presence was everywhere. I could feel the tears well in my eyes as my gaze landed on the rocking chair in the corner, memories of his open and loving arms waiting to embrace me. I grasp the sheets tightly in my hand as I remember the feel of his lips on mine, the way he would hold me as I slept, the feel of his hand on my lower back pulling me closer to him, gently beckoning me toward him. No, he definitely hadn't been able to take my thoughts, my memories, and it was these memories that were slowly going to be my undoing.

It wasn't until the door of my room opened and I saw the concerned look on my mother's face that I realized I was crying…again. Charlie stood behind her, his face a mask of grief and concern. Truth be told, they both looked rather terrified. I had never been fragile before. Had never been so devoid of life, so broken. Neither of them knew how to respond to me, how to comfort me, how to interact with me at all.

A part of me knew I should have been happy to see my mother. I couldn't seem to bring that joy to the surface, however, so I just sat and watched as they both started moving around my room. It wasn't until my mom went to my closet and pulled out my suitcase that I finally found the will to speak.

"What are you doing?" I asked, my voice weak and lifeless. I'm not even sure I cared what their answer was. Yet, part of me was curious.

My mother moved away from the small dresser and sat gently on the bed, her hand reflexively moving to brush some of my hair away from my face. She stopped just short of touching me however, and tentatively pulled her hand back, placing it on top of the blankets near my side. Charlie was still fidgeting with something in my closet as she finally spoke. "Oh, sweetie. I've come to take you home. We're going to get you some help. We're going to get you through this."

I played the words through my mind for a few moments, not entirely sure what they meant. _I've come to take you home._ I sat up suddenly then, causing both Charlie and Renee to jump slightly, taken by surprise. This was probably the most movement Charlie had seen from me since Sam Uley brought me back from the forest. "What do you mean _home_?" These words came out stronger, almost biting at the air around them. Both of them seemed quite taken aback.

"To Jacksonville, baby" my mom answered. "There are some really good facilities there. " Renee took a step away from the bed toward Charlie as she saw the wild look in my eyes. So, this is what they were planning? They were going to ship me off to some facility. Honestly, this part didn't sound so bad. At least no one there would expect anything from me. I wouldn't have to smile, I wouldn't have to feel, I wouldn't have to care. I could just disappear in some room and no-one would have to worry about me anymore. I wouldn't be anyone's problem.

But, in Jacksonville? Even as the rational part of my mind started arguing with the emotional side, I felt myself moving off of my bed in a flurry. I wasn't honestly very aware of my actions as my brain raced a mile a minute. Jacksonville. Where the sun always shone and _he_ would never be able to come find me. At least here, in Forks, he could find me again if he ever came back._ He's not coming back!_ A part of my subconscious screamed at me, but I couldn't listen to that. The hope that maybe, some day, he would return was all that I had left right now. It was all that I could hold on to.

"No, no, you can't" I yelled at them, grabbing the items they had already packed into my suitcase and throwing them back out into the room. I had never really been one for melodramatics, but I couldn't seem to contain myself. "I won't. You can't make." The words seemed unable to escape my thoughts completely. They were coming at me so quickly. A true tidal wave of emotion I hadn't felt since the day he left. I was overflowing now, breaking in a very different way than I had that day. Everything was finally crumbling.

My mom took a tentative stop toward me but my hands flew up reflexively, palms out to keep her away. I didn't want her caring comfort. I didn't want her sad eyes. I wanted her to understand that I _couldn't_ leave. Everything that I'd had as a reminder of E- _him_ was taken the day he left. All I had left was Forks. If I left here, I will have lost everything I have of him.

I hadn't realized I collapsed to my knees until suddenly my mom and Charlie were both standing over me. A part of my brain recognized their concern as I knelt on the wooden floor boards of my bedroom haphazardly grasping at the wood beneath my palms. Seemingly desparate to grasp at something unseen. Like a lifeline were somehow hidden below the floor boards. My sobs were coming out in great heaves now and I wasn't quite sure how long I would be able to keep breathing.

And I was shaking. Everything I had tried so hard to contain started assaulting my mind. His face, his eyes, his voice, everything about him was invading my every sense- his sweet words, his intoxicating smell, his loving family I had hoped to call my own some day, and Alice, the best friend I'd ever had. Then, finally, that day in the forest as his words took away my very will to live. In the briefest of moments, everything I'd come to love - all of it was gone and yet still here, overflowing, pushing me to the brink of finally breaking.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, shaking and crying; loosing every ounce of control I had tried to maintain over the last week. Once everything started to subside, I could feel my mom grasping me under one arm and lifting me to sit on my bed. And still I cried. I know she was trying to talk to me, but I couldn't seem to focus on her voice. My eyes had locked on Charlie standing across the room from us and I could see his resolve starting to fade. Finally, his eyes met mine and I felt everything within me start to plead with him, "Please don't send me away."

With the slightest nod of his head, I felt relief begin to wash over me. Unfortunately, this seemed to directly coincide with my mother's form stiffening beside me. She knew I had won. "Bella, baby," she started. It was her motherly instinct to want to protect me. She would never understand that there was only one protector I needed anymore.

"Mom," I cut her off, my voice sounding the strongest it had since that fateful day. "I need to stay here" _Where he can find me _"I'll get past this. I will." And the thought I'd been toying with for the last week popped into my mind. If ever there was a time I would have been able to get away with it, this was the time. Of course, they couldn't know the real reason I need to go. I'm not even sure I know the real reason I need to go. I just knew, above all else in that moment, that this was something I had to do.

"Mom, Dad," I started. "I know I haven't been the easiest to live with lately." They both watched me with caution in their eyes as a slight laugh escaped my lips. Of course it would be difficult to live with someone who had no life remaining. I was the undead of the un-undead. Knowing about the existence of vampires, I couldn't help but see the sudden irony that I'd become even more lifeless than they were. And they were already dead.

In that moment, I could only imagine what I looked like to Charlie and my mom. I could see some of it mirrored in their eyes, the concern they held for their only daughter's sanity. I knew I had to figure out a way to reassure them I would be fine. Problem is - I've always been terrible at lying.

"There's somewhere I need to go." I started once the ironic laughter had subsided, waiting momentarily for any sign that they were going to interrupt me. Once none came, I continued. "I know you won't understand this. I need you to trust me that this is something I need to do."

"What is it Bells?" My father asked, speaking for the first time since they'd entered the room. From the look on his face, I realized that he would believe me. We were far too similar in some ways. We both dealt with things in our own way. Never really handling things or dealing with things the way others expected.

Stealing one more glance between them, I unconsciously pulled the comforter around me again and took a deep breath. However, stealing one last glance at my mother, I realized maybe now wasn't the best time. I'd need to prove to them I'm doing better. Even if I was only creating a façade, I had to make them believe it. There really is something I need to do. I just know they'll never let me go until they _believe _I'm on the road to recovery. Now, how the heck am I going to do this?


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Wish I did, but alas I don't.

**I know this chapter is short, and I apologize. It's all building up to the rest of the story. Please please please review. I'd at least like to know anyone is interested in my continuing this story.**

After Renee and Charlie went back downstairs to give me a few minutes to compose myself, take a shower, and get changed, I slowly began picking up the items I had previously skewed all over my bedroom. I was surprised to realize I didn't recognize some of the garments. Truth be told, they weren't really things that seemed to fit in with my other clothing. They were much trendier than anything I would have chosen. They were more Alice. _Oh, Alice_. My heart ached.

Skeptically moving over to my closet, I eyed the garments hanging from their hangers. Much of this definitely wasn't mine. Apparently Alice hadn't been content to leave without reminders. Sorting through the clothing, I couldn't seem to help the small smile that tugged on my lips. Leave it to Alice to buy me a new wardrobe before disappearing out of my life.

Once I had sorted through about twenty different garments, some new blouses, tank tops, jeans, and slacks I would never wear, I stopped briefly as my hand landed on silk. Moving the rest of the clothing away, I was taken aback by the sight of the dress I wore to junior prom. I had been so happy then. Well, I was miserable at being at prom, but I was blissfully happy in my ignorance that _he_ would stay with me forever. As the gaping hole in my chest reopened, I realized I had finally found something that hurt more than the pain I've been experiencing. Apparently, memories of my happiness only made the dark emptiness of my despair seem that much worse. I was a bleak nothingness that used to have everything. I once again realized the full emptiness of living a life without_ him_.

Turning my attention back to the clothing in hopes of distracting myself from a train of thought that would do me no good, I quickly and forcefully moved the dress to the back of my closet. Going back to where I had left off before I was rudely interrupted by happy and pain laced memories, I was confused by the sudden wrinkling sound of paper. Moving about two more garments over, I found a large manila envelope pinned to a black sweater. Pulling the garment down and fingering the soft fabric – definitely Cashmere, I unhooked the envelope and moved over to my bed, setting the garment on top of my bedspread and holding the envelope in my hand. Only one word was present on the outside of the envelope. Elegant script detailed out a single word – _Bella_.

Giving a soft tug to the bottom of my wet ponytail, I absentmindedly chewed my bottom lip before turning the envelope over in my hand and breaking the seal. I could feel something in the bottom of the envelope but settled on simply pulling out the one piece of unfolded paper. Taking a deep breath and holding it, I turned the paper over. As I felt my breath catch, I quickly wondered if I would be able to handle this. I still wasn't sure who the letter was from, but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to know. Could this really lead to anything but more pain? Even before I could bring myself to an answer, my eyes began reading the first lines:

_~ Bella-_

_We only agreed to leave early so I could pull this off without Edward finding out. I know once we meet up with him I'll no longer be able to keep it a secret, but by then it will be too late for him to do anything about it. I'm sorry I didn't get to say good-bye in person. Honestly, I'm sorry we're saying good-bye at all, but you know how stubborn Edward can be. I'm also sorry if you hate him now - but I don't blame you. I wouldn't blame you if you hated all of us._

_The true reason I'm leaving this, is that Jasper needs you to know how sorry he is. He hasn't seen you since the night of your birthday and this is just tearing him up inside. He feels completely responsible for Edward's decision and I couldn't let him live forever without having the chance to apologize; even if the apology is coming through me in this letter. I don't think he'll ever forgive himself. He loves you as much as the rest of us do. We will miss you._

_I know I don't have the right to ask anything of you, but if you might just allow me this one wish - Don't forget us. Maybe it's selfish of me, but I'm sure you wouldn't have been able to forget anyway. After seeing what Edward was planning to do, and the things he was planning to take in order to help you forget, I couldn't help but enclose something for you. If you trust me, please don't look at it now. Simply put it away and take a look in the future. I wanted you to have something from us. You brought a life to this family that had been missing for far too long a time._

_Edward may be unable to comprehend the depth of your love for him, but I can see it. I can see your love for each of us and I'm begging you not to do something we'll all regret. You are our family and even if we can't be with you, losing you would be more than we could bear. Live a long and happy life._

_Continue to be the girl I consider my best friend. And remember - you'll always be a Cullen to us._

_Yours,_

_Alice_

_Oh, and Bella, please wear the new clothing. I'd like to think I've had at least one positive influence on you. Your new shoes are in the bottom of the closet – don't worry, no heels.~_

I sat for a moment and stared at the envelope, waiting for the tears to fall. I had lost so much when _he_ decided to leave. Everything I had held as my future was torn from my grasp. I should have realized I would never be enough for their world. All I had ever done was put their family in danger. And finally _he_ had seen the truth. _He_ saw that I wasn't worth it and left. The last part of my heart died when I realized that even after everything I had put them through, the rest of the Cullens were worried about me. Someone would have to talk to them about the proper placement of priorities. Unfortunately, I would never see them again, so it wouldn't be me.

Shifting the weight of the envelope in my hands, I briefly thought about just looking at what was inside. Thinking better than to bet against Alice, I slowly stood from the bed and walked over to my small wooden dresser. Opening the top drawer, I slid the envelope and letter under my folded clothes. Someday I would open the envelope – someday, I would know the right day, and I would finally look at what Alice had put into it. But, that day wasn't today and as one single tear found its way out of my eye and onto the manila envelope, I shut the drawer and prepared to face the rest of the day.

Turning around, I put on the cashmere sweater and pulled on a pair of dark blue jeans. I knew the next few days would be the hardest of my life. I had to act like I was getting better. I had to pretend I would ever be able to get over this. I had to pretend I wasn't dead inside and I had to make sure my parents believed it.

With one last glance at the rocking chair in my corner, I choked back a sob and headed out of the room. It was now or never and this wasn't going to get any easier. I guess I'll just have to see what the day brings. Who knows, maybe I'll get to spend some alone time with my mom. Maybe.

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Wish I did, but alas I don't.**

**~~Please review. Big thanks to IncomCorporation and madmomof4! You're the reason this new chapter is being posted. I had almost given up!!~~**

I couldn't seem to suppress the groan that escaped my lips as my mother and I headed out of the house. After coming downstairs, I had quickly realized that after only one week, my father had managed to run out of absolutely everything in the kitchen – except fish, of course. I'm not sure we could ever actually run out of fish. In the interest of some mother-daughter time, Renee offered to drive me to the local J&P Produce.

Now, standing in the driveway, a sudden dawning realization started to overcome me. The universe hated me. It was official. Looking at Renee's rent-a-car, I realized the true cruelty of my life. Of course, the world wouldn't let her drive anything other than a silver Volvo. Yup, there it was again, the gaping hole. I was starting to understand Juliet even more now.

"Um, mom," I surprisingly managed to mumble out. "Would you mind if I drove?"

Waving off the ridiculousness of my request, Renee began moving closer to her rental car. "Bella, sweetie, don't be silly. I'm perfectly capable of driving through a small town like Forks. Now, get in the car before you catch your death."

Apparently she hadn't realized my request had actually been to drive my truck, not her rental car, but before I had the opportunity to argue, she was already sliding into the driver's seat. Realizing it actually was raining, I quickly made my way over to the passenger door. With a deep breath I opened it and slid in to the all too familiar interior of the car. I have to say, I'm quite surprised how unfamiliar the interior actually is. Its warmth and feel are nothing like _his_ car had been. This was probably the first time I was grateful for the lack of his comforting fragrance. I'm sure it would have driven me mad.

As Renee turned on the car and slid it into reverse, I felt myself sinking comfortably back into the seat. The unfamiliar familiarity of the car seemed to soothe me. It really was so _him_ yet so, well, not. Every curve and divot was so achingly familiar, yet it lacked the warmth of _his _presence. Even though he had never really personalized the car, it still seemed to be such a tribute to him.

It wasn't until we were about three blocks from the house when I finally started tuning in to the other things happening in my surroundings. Renee was doing her best to pay attention without actually appearing to pay attention. The radio was tuned to some country station, an odd choice for Renee but I assumed just one of her newest obsessions. Listening to the song momentarily, I realized it actually sounded more pop than country. I couldn't really help my outward flinch as I finally caught the lyrics of the song.

**But you were everything to me**

**I was begging you please don't go and I said**

**Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone**

**I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run**

**You be the prince and I'll be the princess**

**It's a love story baby just say yes**

Moving involuntarily, I reached up to turn the station. Realizing my actions after I was already doing them, I mumbled something about hating country music in hopes my mom wouldn't ask any questions. Eyeing her from the corner of my eye, I briefly thought I saw a small smile turn up at the corner of her lips before disappearing just as quickly. Finally she just nodded and turned her attention fully back to the road.

Apparently a glutton for punishment, I couldn't seem to keep my mind off of the radio. Normally not one for paying too much attention to lyrics, I was surprised they seemed to be the only thing I could focus on. As I finally realized the lyrics to the song on the new station, I wondered briefly if I could get away with changing the station again. When the lyrics:

**There's no love - like your love  
And no other - could give more love  
There's nowhere - unless you're there  
All the time - all the way**

Filtered into the car, I purposefully reached over and hit the 'seek' button once more. "I hate that movie" I lamely offered as excuse. Once again, Renee simply nodded her head and continued to stare straight forward.

Now, if the world had any compassion for me, I suppose I would have finally managed to find a station with some suitable song. But, of course, this is my life I'm living and that just can't seem to happen. Rather, I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them to me, bracing my feet against the dashboard as an all too familiar melody filled the car. Now, this song I knew. Unfortunately, knowing this song, I also knew it would only serve to tear me up even further inside. As the first lines of the chorus, **These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase**, filled the car; I eagerly reached over and hit the power button on the radio.

In that moment, I decided I was officially going to give up on music. Not that any of the songs on the radio could ever hold a candle to the song _he_ had written, but in the end, musical artists were apparently siding with the universe. So, when it came down to it, the universe, some female country artist I couldn't name, Bryan Adams, and even Amy Lee apparently had it in for me. What had I ever done to them?

It wasn't until the car suddenly jerked to the right and I reflexively reached up to grab the only part of this car I was truly intimate with – the handle above the door - that I realized I had started crying. After recovering from the impact of my left hip being slammed into the center console, I began to look around wildly. Pulling into a nearby parking space, Renee turned off the car and looked toward me. "We need to talk" was all she said before getting out of the car and walking toward a nearby coffee shop. Apparently I was supposed to follow.

Slowly moving out of the car with as much composure as I could muster, I nearly tripped over the curb before finally making my way to the door of a coffee shop called "Breaking Grounds". I had never even realized this coffee shop was here. Not that I'd really spent a lot of my time in coffee shops, but still, in a small town like Forks I should have at least realized it existed.

As my senses were assaulted by the smell of freshly brewed coffee beans, I spied Renee standing by the counter waiting for me. Other than the two employees behind the counter and a couple sitting in the back corner, Renee and I apparently had this place to ourselves. When I got to the counter, the girl, probably about my age with short black hair and the most brilliant blue eyes I had ever seen, looked at me expectantly. Apparently Renee had already placed her order and now it was my turn. Knowing my lack of tolerance for anything caffeine, I ordered a simple bottle of water. "Right, Bella." The girl behind the counter responded. Apparently I should have known who she was. I figured she must have gone to Forks High, but didn't feel the need to press the subject.

Once Renee had her Non-fat Soy latte and I had my bottle of water, we made our way over to one of the many empty tables. I sat down across from Renee and waited patiently. If there was anything I could trust from my mother, it was that I wouldn't need to speak first. She had never really been big on the comforting mother-daughter talks. Not that there had ever really been a need for them before, but whenever Renee had something to say, you could be certain she was going to share it with you.

"It's okay, not to be okay." She started, looking at me across her coffee cup. "No-one expects you to just be over all of this. Knowing you, I don't think I ever fully expect you to get over this. And that's okay. But you need to start talking, sweetie. You need to get some of this off your chest."

The compassion in her eyes was almost unsettling. Settling into the role I had chosen for this moment, I prepared myself for the conversation I knew we were about to have. "Really, mom, I'm okay." As I watched her face fall and her mouth open to protest, I quickly started again. "So, maybe not okay, but I'm on the path to okay. After all, he was just a boy and it was just a silly high school crush, right?"

"If there's anything I believe to be further from the truth, that statement right there would be it." A wry smile crossed her face. "No part of me believes Edward was just a boy or that your feelings for him were that of 'just' a high school crush."

"Aren't you supposed to be arguing my point and I yours?" I couldn't help the sarcasm in my voice. "I mean, typically, shouldn't you be trying to convince me that this too shall pass while I try to explain everything he meant to me?" Spinning the bottle cap on the table, I was suddenly transported back to the conversation he and I had in the cafeteria after I discovered what he truly was. It's almost funny how a small thing like a bottle of water can bring back such vivid memories. Pulling myself back to the present I gave my mom a small smile. "I'm too young to know what real love is, right?"

"If I were a normal mother and you were a normal daughter, I would absolutely agree with you. I saw you two together in Phoenix last year though and even in all my years I've never seen two people so in synch with one another. The way he looked at you, Bella, was unlike anything I've ever seen. It was like you were the only thing in the world to him. I have never once had a man look at me the way Edward looked at you."

And the tears were flowing again. Why couldn't she just be like a normal mother? _Time heals all wounds for your kind_. He had once said. Apparently my mother hadn't read that cliché. "Yeah, well, things change. People change. It's not his fault he stopped lov-_caring_ about me. You can't control who you fall for and I wasn't that for him. It's better this way, really. Now he can move on and find someone he can love with everything he has to give. So that girl wasn't me. That's life I guess."

"See, I don't buy that either" Renee began, leaning forward on the table looking at me intently. "I find it completely impossible to believe that Edward didn't love you. It's incomprehensible. Nobody can look at someone else the way he looked at you without being in love with them."

Laying my head down on my folded arms, I couldn't seem to suppress the second groan for today. Why was she doing this to me? Couldn't she just let me pretend I was doing okay? Why did she need to torture me? Was she finally siding with the rest of the universe in their 'get Bella' campaign? "He doesn't love me. Never did. And he left because he didn't want me anymore. Can't we just leave it at that?"

"No." was her simple response. Lifting my head from my arms I'm not sure the expression on my face could have been more incredulous.

"What do you mean no?" I questioned without thinking about it.

"You want me to drop the questions?" I could see the wheels grinding in her mind. "Fine, I will. But you have to do one thing."

"What?"

"Say his name." The statement catches me off guard and I'm unsure what she means by it. Surely I had said his name since he left. Why would it matter now, of all times? I had said it before, right? I'm almost positive I had. We've talked about _him_ several times today and it would have been nearly impossible not to have said his name at least once.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Say his name. It's not that difficult of a request. At least it shouldn't be for someone who's so suddenly over everything and dealing so well."

_Fine_. If she wants me to say his name, I'll say his name. It's not that hard, right? It's just a name. A name that speaks to my heart in a way no other ever could. A name that could never be as sweet or velvety or beautiful as the man it belongs to. A name for everything I had ever hoped for and dreamed of in my future. Right. It's just a name. With a deep sigh, I braced myself for what I was suddenly sure would be the most difficult two-syllable word I would ever say again in my life. And as the name "Edward" slipped beyond my lips, the dam broke again. How many nervous breakdowns is one person allowed to have? Especially in just one day?

Once my tears subsided, I couldn't quite bring myself to meet my mom's gaze. I knew she wasn't going to say anything further. She would have now deemed this as my time to talk and knowing her, she wouldn't push it any faster than I was ready for. Surprisingly, I startled even myself when she didn't have to wait long.

What I said, however, caught even me off guard. "Does it ever get easier?"

Renee looked taken aback by my question. Apparently expecting me to vent and share rather than question. "Does what ever get easier sweetie?"

"This hole in my chest. The longing I feel every moment of every day. The fact that I can't breathe. That my heart just wants to stop beating because then maybe it won't hurt so much. The pain of knowing I have to go through even one more moment without him by my side. The true and unquestioned knowledge that I will never again love anyone with my whole heart and soul the way I love him. The unbearable pain of knowing he stopped wanting me, or never truly wanted me in the first place."

The pained look on her face was nothing more than a mirrored expression of my own, I was sure. "What do you want me to say, baby?"

My answer was the only one I could seem to muster. "Lie to me."


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Wish I did, but I don't

**I know it's short, but sometimes that's necessary. Enjoy!**

It's 2 a.m. Standing at my bedroom window looking out over our small street, I can't help but let the day's events play over in my head. We had finally made it to the grocery store and picked up some staples for the house. After my meltdown in the coffee shop, Renee had gratefully kept the conversations for the day much lighter. My emotional well being and the family I missed so much were left off the topic list. I guess even my mom could understand a girl can only handle so much in one day.

I hadn't even realized my bedroom door opened until mom was standing next to me with a hot cup of tea extended in my direction. Gratefully, I accepted, momentarily wondering where she had managed to find tea in Charlie's house. We stood in silence for a few moments both looking out at something that wasn't really there until I finally heard her speak. "Why don't you come to Jacksonville for a little while? A few days with a change of scenery might do you well."

As much as I hated to admit it, a change of scenery did seem like a good idea. It's been nearly impossible lately with every single thing reminding me of _him_. "I actually need to head back tomorrow," she continued, "there's this party that's being thrown for the team, managers, owners, and sponsors the day after and I promised Phil I'd be back in time. Of course he would understand if I need to stay longer, but maybe this is good timing."

A party. _Great._ That's exactly what I needed right now. Still, the idea of getting a way for just a little while, on a completely nonpermanent basis seemed like a good thing. "All right mom," I conceded, "For a few days. That sounds like a good idea. Can we still get me a plane ticket for tomorrow?"

"I kind of already bought you one. I guess I was hoping you would say yes. Oh, and the event is pretty formal, so we can go shopping for a dress for you once we get to Jacksonville." Perfect, as if the idea of a party wasn't bad enough, now she was expecting me to go shopping. Well, it's not exactly like I own anything that would be suitable for a formal event. Or do I? While I'm not relishing the idea of ever wearing the dress again, it would get me out of having to shop for something new. And it would mean Renee wouldn't have to spend anything on me more than she already had.

"I have a dress." I offered before I could talk myself out of it. Seeing the skeptical look on Renee's face at the idea her daughter could own anything other than jeans, tank tops, and t-shirts, I made my way over to the closet and reached to the back wall. Once my hand landed on the only silk-like item I own, I moved to the hanger and pulled it out of hiding. Holding it up for Renee's approval I could hardly suppress my laugh at her shocked expression. This moment alone was well worth the torture of having to wear this dress again. I'd never seen my mother in more awe.

"Bella, that's beautiful. Where did you get that?" _Where did I get it?_ That answer was probably a bit trickier than I had anticipated. To let her know where the dress had come from, I would have to talk about _his_ family again. I had pretty much hoped to leave that topic dead for the next century or so – or at least for the rest of the night.

Then again, it is 2 a.m. and it's technically already the next day. With a sigh, I reached down to my closet floor and pulled out the pair of shoes I was sure Alice would have included with the 'flats' she promised. I wasn't disappointed as my hand landed on a satin ribbon wrapped stiletto heel. It's not like I had any other shoes that would go well with this dress. Pulling them out, my mother's eyes grew even wider. "Alice had some fun playing Guinea Pig Barbie with me for Prom last year."

"It's the most beautiful blue I've ever seen." She seemed to almost involuntarily move to grab the garment. "Did you find this in Seattle?"

My laugh came out just a little too loud. "No, I'm pretty sure Alice bought it in Paris." Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure it's actually one of a kind. Then again, how could I possibly know since I can't even read the label.

"Alice bought this?" she said, her voice sounding slightly strained. My mom has always hated the idea of people spending money on us even more than I do. "I can't imagine her parents were very pleased with her spending this type of money on someone else. Even if that someone is as wonderful as you are."

"So, I've got the dress and the shoes." I offered in a lame attempt to change the direction of the conversation. I didn't really feel like talking about their family anymore tonight. "I guess we could go get our hair done before the party with all that extra money you'll save from not having to buy me a dress."

Once again, Renee's eyes lit up and I knew the topic had been successfully switched. "Well, then, you really need to try and get some sleep. I already talked to Charlie about taking you with me to Jacksonville for a little while and he seemed to like the idea as much as I did." She paused for a moment and then continued on quickly, "Not that your father wants to get rid of you by any means – we both just thought a change of scenery would do you well."

Nodding in agreement, I waited for her to continue. "So, our flight leaves at 11 a.m. from Seattle. Charlie offered to drive us to the airport. We have two layovers and should get in to Jacksonville around 10 p.m., where Phil's picking us up. Which, means we'll need to leave here around 7."

Five hours and I'd be leaving for Jacksonville. If this was anyone other than Renee I'd be surprised by the short length of notice – but with my mom it was to be expected. She always had a tendency to do things last minute.

So, to Jacksonville I go.


	5. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Wish I did, but I don't

**Please, please, please review! Thanks to those who already have! It's because of you this story continues!**

I was amazed at how simple it was to get to the party that next day. I somehow managed to move with an uncharacteristic grace in my three inch heels. A part of me knew I should be worried about the damage I could manage to inflict upon myself and those unsuspecting bystanders if things had gone more 'Bella-like'. The hall was decorated with a beautiful wrapping of white twinkling lights. It was beautiful in its simplicity and a part of me knew it seemed slightly familiar. Like the ghost of a memory I couldn't quite put my finger on.

The room was filled with a large variety of people I didn't know. Players, their families, the coaches, owners, sponsors, anyone and everyone who had anything to do with Phil's minor league team was moving around the room, talking, laughing, dancing, and enjoying their night. My mom and Phil were off speaking to a gentleman on the far side of the room. Every once in a while Renee would turn to look at me. Each time, she would smile at me, but quickly turn back to the man they were talking to. I kept trying to get a look at him, but for some reason he was continuously just outside my line of vision. Not that it really mattered; it wasn't like I would have known who he was anyway.

Making my way over to a small, empty table near the edge of the dance floor, I sat down and crossed my legs, tenderly setting my drink down in front of me. Once again, my eyes began taking in my surroundings. Everyone around me was dressed in the most beautiful gowns and suits. It really was almost like prom, only for older people. Along the back wall of the room a large buffet was set up, lined with clear glass plates, Champaign glasses filled half-full by the lowest bidder, and a large array of finger foods and hot sandwiches. There were large round tables near the food area, covered in beautiful golden table cloths. A single purple flower sat in a simple stem vase in the center of the table.

As you came nearer to the dance floor, which was situated in the center of the room, the tables started to become smaller, more intimate. These were covered in shimmering blue table cloths, the bejeweled candles set at the center sparkling against the twinkling of the lights surrounding the room. Two couples were currently on the dance floor, spinning and twirling to waltz with a grace I could only dream of having myself. I was so entranced by their hypnotic movements I hadn't realized someone had come to stand in front of me until they were suddenly clearing their throat to grasp my attention.

Drawing my eyes from the mesmerizing dancers, my view landed on a relatively attractive man of about nineteen standing in front of me. Of course, I say relatively attractive. By most people's standards he would have been an extremely handsome man. Sadly, my standards had been vastly skewed by _his_ perfection. I would forever have a different standard for attractiveness. Not that I ever expected someone to match _his_ beauty, but his face would be forever present in my memory. Never tarnished and never diminished with the passing of time. There are some things you just can't forget.

As my gaze finally met with a pair of deep green eyes, I felt the need to immediately look away. There was something in those eyes I couldn't explain. "Hi," he finally said, obviously uneasy by the silence. Again, I turned to meet his gaze, surprised by the familiarity of his voice. "My name's Tyler. You're Bella, right? Phil and Renee's daughter?"

I nodded numbly, unsure why this seemed so unsettling, almost like a bad case of ___déjà vu_. Something seemed very off, but I wasn't sure what it could have been.

"Well, Bella, would you like to dance?" he asked, his hand outstretched to help me to my feet. There was a confidence to his voice. It was almost as if he wasn't actually expecting me to answer, rather to just bend to his request.

"Dancing." I began, turning the thought over in my head. _Why does it always have to come down to dancing?_ "I can't dance." I stated simply, hoping the topic would be dropped.

I wasn't quite that lucky. "That's alright, I can," he responded, pulling me to my feet with one swift movement. I hadn't remembered him actually reaching down or touching my arm. I felt suddenly out of control in the situation and I began searching the crowd for Renee. Surely, if she saw me being led to the dance floor she would come to my rescue. She knew her daughter was a danger to herself and others around her whenever coordinated movement was involved.

Once I finally managed to find Renee in the crowd, her gaze turned to me and she smiled deftly, the smile never really meeting her eyes. She seemed suddenly mechanical and detached. Before I could look closer and try to make sense of her expression, she turned and disappeared into the crowd. Scanning further and trying to find anyone who looked familiar, Phil, any of the other players I had already met, I caught the movement of someone out of the corner of my eye. When I turned to look, there was no-one standing in that area at all. I felt a sinking in my stomach. It wasn't just anyone I had seen, I was sure of it. It was a blur of golden hair and pale skin.

As Tyler pulled me to the center of the dance floor and began spinning us, I was surprised I didn't instantly trip over his feet, or my own, and tumble to the floor. While my feet were certainly far more awkward than his, I somehow managed to keep up in my movements. We were actually dancing across the floor. I was dancing and not hurting anyone. Realizing my feet had apparently somehow gained a consciousness of their own, I again began searching the crowd. For some reason people had begun lining up along the edge of the dance floor, watching us and the other dancers on the floor. Glancing around us, I realize Tyler and I are the only ones on the floor. Self consciousness began setting in, but it didn't have time to last long.

Almost immediately, I began seeing the occasional movement of familiarity along the outskirts of the crowd around the dance floor. Bronze hair appearing between two people's shoulders, pale skin standing out in contrast to most of the tanned Floridians in the room. As I started to question my sanity, I came to a screeching halt on the dance floor, throwing Tyler slightly off balance when he realized I wasn't going to move any further. Turning in a circle, I scanned the room frantically. I could see my mom and Phil standing among those along the edge of the dance floor; neither of them willing to meet my gaze. The crowd had nearly tripled in size and I was momentarily curious as to where all the people had come from. Surely there hadn't been this many people here earlier.

When the strangest sensation began tugging at the back of my brain, I turned 180 degrees far more quickly than I feel I should have been capable of, especially in the impractical shoes I was wearing for the evening. Slowly, the crowd in one area of the dance floor began separating and I nearly fell to the floor as the air was unexpectedly taken from my lungs. I wasn't crazy. He was here and the proof was slowly making his way through the crowd toward me. As he finally broke from the edge of the crowd he stopped and stayed standing near the edge of the dance floor.

Instinctively, I began making my way toward him. Once I reached within five feet of him, I stopped, unsure of what to say or do. When his eyes met with mine I reflexively took another step toward him. Something about his eyes seemed off. I couldn't seem to understand what was going on and here we were, in a room full of humans. This was a very dangerous situation. As my steps neared him, he began taking one step back for each I took forward.

In a flurry, there was a full head of fiery red hair standing beside him. My eyes went to focus on the new member of the crowd and I immediately took two full steps backwards. _Victoria_.

The events that took place next were almost incomprehensible. With a smile on his face, he put a protective arm around Victoria's shoulder and pulled her closer. His eyes seemed to turn even darker and in that moment, I realized what was different. Instead of the normal golden amber encircling his pupils, his eyes were a brilliantly bright red. Human blood; he had fed on human blood, and recently.

"What?" His voice seemed to toy. "You still haven't figured it out, have you?" He smiled my favorite crooked smile but there was an unknown edge of menace to it. "You really were a beautiful pawn. Such a lovely toy to play with." He turned his head to smile at Victoria and she continued with the story.

"I knew James' obsession would lead him to track you. Edward really played his role so perfectly, drawing on James' weakness for the hunt, for the game. "She smiled beautifully and turned to place her pale lips to his.

"And now that he's out of the way," he continued, "there's only one loose string to clean up." He turned his attention back to Victoria with a smile and I could see the glint of joy in her eyes. "She's all yours my love." And with that, Victoria leapt from the crowd with cat-like swiftness and prepared herself for the kill. She was going to kill me in front of all these witnesses, these future victims, and there was nothing I could do about it. _He_ wanted me dead and out of the way. This had all been some sick game to free Victoria from James and it had worked. As the blood curdling scream ripped its way from my throat I only briefly heard my mother's voice calling my name before I felt the weight of Victoria slamming me to the ground.

"Bella, Bella" her voice sounded again and I sat suddenly upright, taking in my surroundings. The gaze of fellow travelers staring on in disbelief as my mother frantically shook my shoulders. The echo of the scream from my dream was still resounding in the small space of the coach passenger area and I suddenly realized why all eyes were on me. I had been having a nightmare. It wasn't the first I'd experienced since _he _had left and most of the time my own screams were what woke me from them. Luckily, most times the nightmares came when I was in the privacy of my own room rather than on a largely crowded 747.

Sinking back into my chair, I wanted nothing more than to disappear. My mother's hand was still on my shoulder as she was trying to speak soothing words to calm me. Slowly, the other passengers began going back about their own business, some mumbling about the crazy girl in seat 27B. Realizing I wasn't going to offer any information about the nightmare I had just lived through, Renee settled on saying "We'll be in Jacksonville in an hour" and went back to her reading, occasionally turning her eyes on me to make sure I was okay. All in all, this hadn't been the worst of my nightmares. Death wasn't something that scared me much anymore.

Then I realized, unfortunately, that the party was still going to happen tomorrow. Now that was something of which to be truly afraid.


	6. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Wish I did, but I don't. Also, sorry for the delay in posting; real life got in the way for a while. Thanks to all those who reviewed. I know this chapter is short, but it's for you!_

On the way home from the airport, we were driving down the street toward mom and Phil's rented house when a baby bunny darted out from the side of the road and into the path of the car's headlights. Even with the aid of streetlights, the little one pound ball of fluff was barely visible to the human eye. My heart dropped to my stomach as I realized what was about to happen. We were going to hit him. It was pretty much a guarantee.

Luckily, Phil actually managed to slow down enough and swerve ever so slightly; narrowly missing the little guy as he scurried toward the side of the road. Watching through the rear window, I was stuck with a profound realization. Akin to Thumper, I'm the almost-roadkill of life.

If it weren't for Phil's compassion for the poor, defenseless little thing, it would be dead now. But, with tiger-like reflexes, Phil managed to keep the little guy out of harm's way, allowing him the opportunity to go on and hop another day. Truth is though, that's where the compassion always ends. In these situations, the drivers don't stop the car to follow Thumper and make sure he recovers alright. Why would they? The animal lived; their job was done.

Yet, I'm sure Thumper's off somewhere trembling and terrified, feeling alone and separated from everything he knew before the almost collision occurred. Who knows if the little guy's even got a family waiting for him. Maybe he's just a one pound shell of emptiness hopping off into life alone with his only comfort being the knowledge that someone cared enough to swerve.

That's me. You-know-who cared enough to swerve, but not enough to stay with me afterward. I was nothing more than the defenseless little rabbit thrown into the path of a 2,000 pound hunk of gorgeous shiny metal on a collision coarse to destroy me, but with enough compassion to avoid the imminent squish.

So, now, here I am in Jacksonville, Florida, comparing my life to road-kill and wondering if perhaps it would have been better to have been actual road-kill rather than just almost-road-kill. At least if I had been road-kill I might have left a mark on his life; rather than just a memory that lasts until the next almost-road-kill comes along.

Before my musings could really start to head somewhere they shouldn't, I realized we were pulling up in front of a two-story white home. It was cute enough and exactly the kind of place I imagined Phil and Renee to have. While I knew they only rented, I couldn't help but smile at my mother's beaming expression as I stepped out of the stopped car. It's obvious she takes a lot of pride in the place. I think she's still holding out hope I might decide to move in with them. Now, that's unlikely.

None of us had spoken much since we left the airport. Renee and Phil engaged in some small talk in the front seat during the drive, but didn't seem to mind my lack of involvement. I'm pretty sure that's not going to fly much longer, so I started to prepare myself for what lay ahead. While Charlie's always been pretty good at letting me do my own thing and not hovering, Renee's always been his polar opposite. I'm pretty sure I won't get a moments alone time while I'm here. Maybe, in the end, that's not such a bad thing.

"So, kid," Phil started as we entered the front foyer, either completely oblivious to my disdain for his reference to 'kid' or managing to ignore it all together. "I suppose we can let you see your room first. I'm guessing you guys might be a bit jet-lagged. I'm not sure if you wanna just head to bed, or what."

A shrug of the shoulders was all I could seem to manage in response. His mention of bed made me realize how truly tired I apparently was. Even though I'd slept, however restlessly, on the plane, sleep sounded pretty good. Since the plane ride, I've come to accept my nightmares as a guaranteed part of sleep. Unfortunately, that doesn't change my body's need for rest.

Grabbing the bags from my hand, Phil let out a chuckle at my lack of response, while turning toward a staircase and heading upstairs. Pulling me into a hug, Renee wished me a good night's sleep and reminded me of our plans for tomorrow. Great; I had almost forgotten about the hair and make-up filled "girls day" I had agreed to before the party tomorrow night.

Turning toward the stairs Phil had ascended previously, I headed toward the rustling sound and met Phil, hands empty, in the hallway. He absently nodded toward an open doorway and squeezed my shoulder. "Get a good night's sleep. From what your mom said, it sounds like you'll need it. We'll have plenty of time to talk and catch up tomorrow." And with that he was gone down the stairs and I was alone.

As I entered the small room I was caught completely off guard. It was obvious Renee had gone to great lengths to bring many of my favorite things from Phoenix into the room. I'm sure a part of her still, however uselessly, hopes I'll make the decision to move to Jacksonville. In the far corner of the room, an assortment of cacti are potted and lined up along the windowsill. Splashes of green and blue are scattered about the room in picture frames, blankets, pillows, and curtains. A welcoming picture of friends from Phoenix is situated on the desk next to a bright blue Mac Book Pro.

Flopping down onto the brilliant emerald green bedspread, I plan to take a moment to relax before setting off to dig out my pajamas from my luggage. I wasn't prepared for the inviting softness of the bed, however, and almost as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was pulled unwillingly into a deep sleep.

It wasn't until I jerked from sleep a few hours later that I suddenly felt as if something in the room had changed. Jumping from bed, I took a quick look around the room and realized I wasn't in Forks and wouldn't know if anything had changed anyway. That's when it hit me. The thing in the room that had changed – was me. Rather than my normal feelings of sadness, depression, and desolation, I was newly overwhelmed with a new sensation. I was mad.

And I'm not talking just your normal run of the mill mad. I was downright pissed off; and I didn't know why. I realized a part of my brain was trying desperately hard to keep the memory of my dream from coming through, so I knew that must have been the trigger. But then again, I'd been suffering nightmares for almost a week straight now, so what could have been so terrible that it'd made me angry instead of sad.

As the memory of the nightmare started flooding my mind, I realized the issue – it wasn't a nightmare at all. We were in _his_ meadow, his arms wrapped protectively around me as my head rested on his chest. The sun was shining down on us warmly and I could feel the gentleness of the kisses he placed on the top of my head. I was reveling in the comfort of his scent while he traced lazy patterns on my upper arm and back. It was perfect, and I'd woken up. That's why I was mad.

I would have given anything to stay in that dream forever, never again having to realize the emptiness of my life without him. While the sadness of feeling like I'd lost him all over again was almost overwhelming, I was truly mad at life for doing this to me. I'm not a violent person, but I wanted to hit something or someone. I wanted to do true damage in return for the lot I'd been cast in life.

How fair is it that I'm now, apparently, going to have to suffer through this loss every day when I wake up. As if the knowledge of what I'd lost wasn't bad enough, now I have to live with the true realization that if I'd been enough to keep _his_ love, my life would have truly been the stuff dreams are made of.

Is it even possible to live day after day knowing that? Knowing that the only person you could ever truly love doesn't love you in return? Renee had once asked me if I'd even given thought to the idea I could meet someone else some day. Well, sure I had – when she asked me about it. And I'm sure I will meet someone someday who loves me, and maybe I'll even be able to give them what's left of my heart, but how fair is that to them?

When I'm fully aware of my true capacity to love, is it fair to ask for someone to settle for less love from me than I'm capable of giving? Just because I'm incapable of giving that amount of love to them? Really, how fair is that? I know, beyond a doubt, that I'll never be able to love someone the way I love him. How can I ask them to settle?

And in that moment, I made up my mind. I need to do something to help myself move on. I'll never forget, I'll never be free of the gaping, empty hole where my heart used to be, but I need to be able to live. I need to be able to go through life. When I was back in Forks I'd briefly toyed with an idea and I'm pretty sure it's the best thing for me to do.

Getting up from the bed, I walk over and grab my suitcase, pulling out my return ticket and sitting down in front of the Mac Book. Booting it up, I quickly type in the airline's website and request a ticket change. Instead of my relatively direct return flight to Forks, I plan a new route with a two day stay in the city I'm convinced will provide me closure and solace.

Booking a hotel and printing a few pages worth of directions, I close the laptop. Windy city of Chicago, here I come – well, here I come in a couple of days. I suppose I need to live through this mom/daughter day and party first!


End file.
